Newspatrolling.com News cum Content Syndication Portal Online
This Holi, divorced and separated individuals looking for a second chance at love share the lal gulal along with red flags they once ignored. In the survey by India’s first matchmaking and matrimony app for previously married singles, 8784 people opened up about the subtle behaviour they dismissed, which ultimately piled up and inevitably blew up. 8 out of 10 respondents shared that, unlike cheating or conflicts, these were quiet, but they built equally big cracks that no amount of compromise could fill in ultimately. The app’s Founder and CEO, Ravi Mittal, commented, “Our users have loved deeply, trusted wholeheartedly, and learned the hard way. The red flags they share don’t come from any grudge but rather from lived experiences. They don’t want young daters to make the same mistakes as them. The goal of this study is not to scare them but empower young singles with emotional clarity and knowledge.”
The survey was conducted among divorced and separated individuals between the ages of 25 and 45, from metros and suburban towns of India. Participants reflected on their previous marriage and identified toxic patterns that went unnoticed, and the difference it could have made had they been recognized earlier.
Emotional availability based on their schedule.
Everyone wants an emotionally available partner, but for 34% of divorced singles, that availability came only when it suited their partner. They disclosed being supported only when their partner was in a good mood, like during celebrations. They were mostly present in public, but in private, they have been more indifferent than attentive. Many respondents shared normalising this behaviour in the name of mood swings. Kashis (32) from Delhi, shared, “My ex-wife was only warm to me in public, or on certain days when she was very happy. I craved that all the time, but never complained when she pulled away. Only when I was going through a very dark time, and she was completely indifferent, did I realize that her unpredictable emotional availability was taking a huge toll on me.”
Conflict Avoidance Disguised as Keeping the Peace.
Toxic traits don’t have to be loud. Some are as subtle as refusing to fight it out in the name of peace. 27% of divorced and separated singles shared that their ex-partner hated conflicts. At first, avoiding a fight seemed like maintaining peace, but then, slowly, important issues were being swept under the rug. It only built resentment and kept the same fight going on in a loop because it was never resolved in the first place. 29 year old Jayashree, divorced for a year, said, “I recently realised that I was so stupid because I felt proud for being the ‘no drama, no fight’ couple. Reality was that my partner didn’t care about the marriage enough to address and work on our issues. And I was being gaslit for being the one who always looks for conflict.”
Micro Control
One significant insight came from 22% of women between 25 and 35, who shared subtle controls masked as caring. Smita (27) said, “My ex-husband would always say, ‘ Don’t do this, it’s not good for you; don’t meet them, they are not good for you.’ He would even question my choice of posts on social media and say people might judge me. Actually, he was the one judging.” 9 out of 10 participants explained that they initially felt they were being “looked after” but slowly realized that they were being constantly monitored.
“I was testing you.”
24% of divorced and separated singles from Tier 1 and 2 cities reported that they were always being put through “tests.” Playfully checking their phones to see how they react, or sending romantic texts from unknown numbers to see how they respond. Everything seemed trivial and “out of love” at first, but collectively, it formed a pattern of entitlement over personal space and general distrust.
